Family Man.

My Journey.

Every post in this blog has something to do with me, not in an effort to let you know about my life, but more of a desire to challenge and encourage even one person to take their own personal journey.

It has to be taken alone, but there are companions along the way that encourage and challenge us. You may find this blog a companion, along with many others along the way. I have met some wonderful people on this journey.

When I started this blog it was centered around walking the Camino from Pied St. Jean in France to Santiago de Compostela in Spain. I met some wonderful people on that journey as well.

Life is a journey and every life is as different as our DNA, making each and everyone of us, a unique and special individual.

There are books available about the Camino, where one can learn almost everything about it.

Walking it is entirely different, the experience far outweighs the knowledge of the journey. The experience gives you the knowledge and much more.

The experience is reality.

That is why my experiences are talked about in this blog, it is my only reality. The same goes for everyone else, your experience is the reality of your journey.

Not everything for me has been a bed of roses, much time has been spent in the thorns. If you look at a long stem rose, you will notice, to get to the rose at the top, it is necessary to get through the thorns.

To get the most out of your journey you have to have an open heart.

Having an open heart opens you up to yourself. Remember, keep your heart, out of it are the issues of LIFE. If the heart stops, it’s over.

You may hear many times, you have to have an open mind, the mind is not open to any type of change what so ever. That has been explained in previous posts.

When I reached my seventies I realized, I had changed from my twenties, because I worked at getting older. No! Because it was the reality of my journey of years.

Did I learn to grow old? No! It happened in spite of me.

Am I really “OLD?”

Not on your life, the best is yet to come, this journey is truly a journey of LIFE.

In previous posts I mentioned lateral thinking is necessary to allow change to happen. It allows us entrance into the spiritual aspect of our life.

Was I always a spiritual person? No! I was the skeptic of skeptics. Now my understanding of spirituality is completely different.

To understand the difference between religion and spirituality was an eye opener.

There are spiritual people in religion as well as away from it. No one has a control over the TRUE spiritual.

I have rebelled against church, embraced church, studied the bible and not studied the bible.

I have been a radio-announcer, self-employed, employed by a company, president of a company, a minister, a millionaire, bankrupt, care-giver, B&B operator.

Father of seven children and husband of two wives.

There is much experience to draw from that journey.

Unfortunately, it was not until the last year and especially the last couple of weeks before my first wife passed away that I actually began on the journey that unfolds in this blog.

In addition to the above life experiences, one of the most traumatic things to deal with was death.

Not my own, but my wife of forty-seven years.

That was ten years ago and may have been the most instrumental experience that caused me to open my heart to what my life was like or about.

You might say I was open to new things and it has been an enlightening and for the most part happy experience. I don’t regret the road taken, because no other road was known.

The journey is not over yet, new things are unfolding almost daily. The most revealing thing has been how little I knew myself. I was good at deceiving myself.

Lateral thinking allowed me to see myself for who I was.

With that, it became necessary for me to take responsibility for myself, that meant forgiving myself. I found in the past I could forgive others, but not myself. I would make excuses for myself.

Thinking of my early life, LOVE was my biggest issue. I found out I never did love myself, I thought I did, but I was forever deceiving myself.

Love was a very revealing thing, the transition was eye opening and has allowed me to see other people in a different light and have very few expectations of myself or any other person.

With few expectations, come very little disappointments or hurt.

Perhaps the greatest eye opener “choice was available to me.” Choice brings consquence.

If we don’t like a consequence it’s because the wrong choice was made.

We are never responsible for another person’s choice. WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. That eliminates blame.

Some of the things mentioned in this post you may not agree with.

Don’t agree or disagree with me.

Think about it, and ask your inner self for an answer.

Fatherhood.

That part of my life came early. I was nineteen when my first son was born. I was young but the responsibility bore heavy on me, my attitudes changed but the change was not embraced the way it was meant.

It was only in the last ten years that the reality of what took place actually became clear to me.

That experience was understood, compliments of Norman Doidge from his book “The Brain that changes itself.” In the chapter, Acquiring Tastes and Loves he mentions that a massive neuronal reorganization occurs at two life stages: when we fall in love and when we began parenting. This was from Walter Freeman, professor of neuroscience at Berkeley. He said that a massive plastic brain-reorganization-far more massive than in normal learning or unlearning-becomes possible because of a brain neuromodulator.

I had experienced the falling in love with my wife and when the first child was born, in the parenting, in the most profound way. Had those two experiences been embraced the way they should have been, my journey would have been very different.

My falling in love experience was attributed to my wife and it was meant for me. I have explained that in earlier posts. The experience of childbirth gave me more responsibility as the family provider and not in the role I should have embraced.

Spirituality was not something that was on my radar in those early years. Matter of fact I wanted nothing to do with any of that.

A very profound experience changed me in that realm and a further profound experience set me on the road to changing my commercial vocation and going into the academic world to study theology and consequently became an ordained minister.

Those very profound experiences changed much of the direction I had been following. However similar to falling in love with my wife and the birth of our children, I never got the benefits meant for me, and consequently for my wife and children as well.

We are an energy field and if we give off the correct energy we influence those near to us in a positive way.

I was intent on following my own direction, how I interpreted each experience. While in the ministry things did not go well for me, something was wrong and I could not put my finger on it.

After ten years in the ministry I returned to the business world. My devotion to the church did not change, although my direction had changed significantly.

It was while caring for my wife, who at that time was confined to a wheelchair, that things began to change. Because of a couple of significant incidents at home, it became difficult to go to church.

This bothered me for awhile, until I realized why and what the solution was. Years before, we were having some issues with one of our teenagers, I spoke to the minister about it. Later I told my wife and she was livid with me.

She said, “he is not your son’s father, you are.”

While caring for her, a lot of things changed, for the better. Although, it was a different direction than I had been following. There was more peace with myself than before.

That was when the realization took hold, of the difference between been a “Dad” and a “Father.” Two distinct words and two distinct responsibilities.

The “WOKE” me.

The desire to change things was no longer high on my agenda, but things began to change.

The most significant changes took place the year before my wife passed away and the next couple of years after. Since that time, for the past eight years things have been changing for me, but more on a gradual basis, is perhaps the best way to put it.

As things began to change, I talked much about it. For me it was exciting and I felt I needed to tell everyone what was happening, but I was misunderstood.

I talked too much.

I began to talk less of what was happening and started to commune with myself.

Slowly my best friend began to become me.

Two years after my wife’s passing I met new lady and a year later we were married.

Another significant change took place when she came into my life. I felt she needed to understand my journey, the spiritual aspect of it at least, if she were to embark on this journey with me.

She was willing to go on the journey with me, but the stumbling block was me. I felt if she didn’t understand what was taking place she would take me out of my journey.

It was a contentious issue between us for a while, it almost put off the marriage from both the perspective of her and myself.

I was talking too much again.

Finally, she said to me, “Don’t tell me, show me.”

That statement changed things for me in respect to her and also in my associations with others and to a great degree with my family, certainly with myself.

I was an adult physically and a child spiritually.

You know how a child is uninhibited and will talk about things they don’t understand, that was me spiritually.

Anyone who has read or is reading this blog will understand the title ‘I don’t have the answer” but “YOU DO.” This has become my answer in knowing myself and also my respect for you, that you also from your experiences can get to know yourself like you never thought you could.

Science and the Bible has been my most enlightening companions on this journey, but only in the way of encouraging me to keep going. They provide markers to me, that keeps me in the “Way” to my destination.

It is a walk of faith, but the reality of faith is “the evidence of things not seen.” the evidence will always be real to you.

When our first child was born I took on the responsibility of a father in the provider roll but not in the spiritual roll, I passed that off. Both were my responsibilities, however I failed in the most significant aspect of that responsibility.

My realization of all this, “a legacy is not in what you do, but who you are,”

There is still an opportunity for me to leave a legacy that represents who I am rather than what I did. What I did is inconsequential. My legacy to a great degree rests with the title “Father.”

My children are all grown, have there own children, and in most instances have grand-children. There is a saying “if you love someone, let them go.” I’ve done that, I love them very much and am happy for them, but I don’t have much contact with them.

However, my life is not over, in some ways it is just beginning. “Father” may still have an impact greater than when they were with me. My energy field is improving, that is what this whole journey is about, giving off the energy that builds a person positively. Words will never do it.

Next post will expand on meditation.

Stay safe and stay positive.

Published by

eileenruss

This blog is journalistic in nature, it is a picture of the experiences that have shaped me over the course of my lifetime. It is a transparent look at myself and how it has been dealt with and what the outcome has been. My hope is that it may help you, because in the end it is strictly about YOU.

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